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Archive for June, 2009|Monthly archive page

America’s Army 3 Development Team “Taken Care Of.”

In Robert Marshall on June 30, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Rocket!

There goes marketing!

The development team for America’s Army 3 hasn’t been heard of from since they were sacked after finishing their latest game:  America’s Army 3.

Military spokesperson, Lieutenant General Marcus Anders gave the following statement:

“It’s in everyone’s best interest that the great minds behind America’s Army 3 be relieved of their duties for the U.S. military. It’s a tumultuous time for many of us , and we needed to put the past in the ground, so to speak. We assure you that each of the team’s members were informed ahead of time, and knew that this would be their final project with the US Army.”

Although countless attempts to reach any of the developers of the America’s Army 3 have been completely unsuccessful, the wife of one developer was more than happy to speak up on her husband’s behalf.

“Although Harold has been missing since his termination at the studio, he did leave me a voicemail discussing a debriefing session behind the munitions shed at the local Air Force Base. Apparently they were giving them a big send off, because I could hear fireworks going off in the background. But I know Harold, and I’m sure he’s just out looking for a new job.”

Pirate Bay Purchased by a Company With a Really Long Name.

In Seth Nicholas Abel on June 30, 2009 at 1:06 pm
drew-barrymore-gay-pirate1

Typical "The Pirate's Bay" User.

Global Gaming Factory X AB announced that they would be purchasing the popular torrent site  The Pirate Bay. Said an executive for the company,

“We’ve taken a page from Napster’s plan to reform piracy sites.  And I think we all remember how sweet Napster was after they took away the only reason people were using the service. “

Pirates are expected to welcome the site’s new management by going to one of the other 12 million torrent sites you slog through every time you type a game’s name into Google.

George Carlin’s 2007 Interview.

In Seth Nicholas Abel on June 30, 2009 at 1:00 pm

georgecarlinThis is one of Carlin’s final interviews, it was recorded for the archive of American television on December 17, 2007 six months before his death. The interviewers seem a little awkward but Carlin doesn’t need much prompting. He talks in depth about dropping out of school to do comedy, being in the Air force, and his transition (thanks to LSD) from clean humor to the raunchier 7 words you can’t say on television comedy.

Warning: this is LONG, I think about 3 hours.

Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Twitter Hops Off The Perch.

In Tess LaCoil on June 29, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Twitter workers on break.

Twitter workers on break.

The once-proud eagle servers of Twitter tumbled from the birdbath earlier today after countless users decided that they would pay their respects to the late Michael Jackson. Connections saw cracks once 66 500 different tweets featured the pop star and it only went up from there.

Technicians were shocked by the speed at which the servers were  plucked, stuffed and roasted when a flood of tweets hit their system.

“Bkarrrrk. Boooooooooarkbukbuk. Chirp twewhooohooobukbuk boreeeee,” said one of the server administrators observing the carnage. The outer shell of the company scrambled to fix the errors while the clutch of executives tried to work out where it had gone wrong.

In a statement from Jeremy Cluckson, a manager at Twitter, we learned that hardware may be the real issue. “I was talking to this chick down in the server room and she said the equipment is too cheep.”

The users of Twitter faced endless frustration as their connections timed out, the hours they’d spent agonising over their latest 140 words of effort wasted.  One Tweeter is reported to have said that “bloody techies must be roosting on the job” after his epigraph of Jackson was lost in the lag.

Republicans Seek Ban on Fun Citing 427AD Bowling Death.

In Seth Nicholas Abel on June 29, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Dangerous

The Face of Evil.

Conservative anti-game activists recently provided documents to support for a recent Californian anti-game law, citing the bizarre bowling death of Ramses the III and eight concubines in 427AD.  The incident, though overlooked at the time, has become a hot button issue for conservatives who are trying to push through their latest bill to ban violent video games.

“We know that it’s unusual to bring ancient history into arguments about video games, but we want to show California that even the most innocent things can be deadly in the hands wrong hands. Children should be playing outside getting a lot of exercise and sun so when they are drafted into the inevitable war with the Chinese they will be ready to go to war and  die defending our great country.”

When asked why the representative waited so long to bring the Ramses bowling incident to the public’s attention, he said: ‘To be honest, It’s been difficult for me to talk about.  Rammy and I went back a long time and his passing was deeply troubling to me, but I feel that this is such an important issue that I must put aside personal discomfort for the greater good”

Achievements Announced for Arkham Asylum

In Logan Westbrook, Seth Nicholas Abel on June 29, 2009 at 2:39 pm
batman-nipples

It's a little nippy in here.

Eidos announced their achievements for the new Batman game: Arkham Asylum. Some of the more creative ones can be found below.

“I’m the God Damn Batman 5G – Punch A Grieving Child”

“Even The One With Nipples? 15G – Find every hidden costume”

“Has My Face Gone Red? 5G – Hang Upside For An Hour”

“Shark-Repellent Batspray 10G – Mace some motherfuckers”

“And You Thought It Would Never Happen 50G – Make the appropriate use of the Bat-Latte-Frother”

A full list of achievements can be found here.

Rudd Conquer Of Internet Moves on to Sex

In Tess LaCoil on June 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm
The latest victim to Rudds plan.

The latest victim in Rudd's sights.

Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, today announced that after his wild success in banning various internet sites related to violent pornography and free speech he would go on to ban sex all together. The move has been applauded by lobby groups disgusted with the animalistic practices of the nation.

“I’m thrilled to hear that Rudd is taking a strong stance on this immorality,” one commented. “The rampant sexual deviance of the past decades will not be stood for.”

The legislation proposed contains clauses demanding that every individual of either sex wear full-length clothes at all times, even in the relentless Australian summer. Bikinis would be strictly banned as would budgie-smugglers and the iconic Australian thong. Footwear manufacturers were appalled at the move. “Who the fuck does Rudd think he is? The thong is a part of Australian culture, as much as the kangaroo or the warm beer!”

A ruling against sex itself is less easily enforced, so Rudd has proposed to employ his conquered internet to the task by setting up continuous run webcams in every bedroom and secluded spot. All children will be born by artificial insemination and beer adds required to feature nothing more leud than an exposed elbow.

Iranian Protesters Miss Rally, Run Uldaman.

In Seth Nicholas Abel on June 26, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Pictured: 25 man Naxx raid.

Pictured: 25 man raid.

Yesterday, after discovering that the Iranian government had failed to block access to the popular game World of Warcraft, protesters lined up outside local retailers to purchase the game.

Limited communication between the protesters has been one of the biggest issues in organizing protest. Blizzard’s World of Warcraft has given protesters an alternate method of communication.

However the organization of the protests was not with out some difficulty. Initially protesters had trouble deciding on a PVP or RP server. And then again on whether they would be on the Alliance or Horde faction.

After the initial confusion, protesters seemed to forget about their political problems and became engrossed with leveling. Some protesters even found time to download the DDO demo, but were not impressed.

“I may have not changed the political situation here in Iran, but I finally got my regular mount!” said one level 38 protester before returning to killing stone elementals in Badlands.

Internet Reacts to Michael Jackson’s Death.

In Seth Nicholas Abel on June 26, 2009 at 10:38 am
i2-year-old-michael

RIP

With the death of Michael Jackson, internet users came out to share their enlightened opinion about the popstar’s life and death.

“FIRST BITCHS!!!!!!! I OWN!!! SO CAL REPREZENT FIRST!!!!!” -socalowns (editors note: user was actually #37)

“He loved to take it in the brown eye, just like farrah did.” -johnny h

“I’m glad hes dead I don’t want him malesting my children! YOU GUYS ARE ON POT IF U WANT HIM ALIVE! SUCK DICK COCK MUNHCERS” -anonymous poster

“Who cares?” -Valerie

“he raped little boys? you goof fucks you have no idea do you? He may have been strange, he may have been different. but he never raped little boys, and anyone who says so is either too young or too stupid to realize that the man was a musical geniuos, so from all of us struggling musictians whos wish we were just have as talented as he…….Michael Jackson………Fuck you you little queer faggot loser!@!! I fuckin hope you die a long slow horrible death douche!!!~!!!!” -anonymous poster

“Rest in hell Child Toucher!!!” -Drew

“I’m THRILLERED. hope he’s really dead.” -Sam Irving

“he died coz he wanted his dick to look like a cute lil kid so he wont have a problem caressing it.” -anonymous poster

Normally we bring you fake game/internet culture news, however I assure you, all these comments are real and numerous. Makes you kind of proud to be an internet user, doesn’t it?

Age of Conan Gets Huge Update, No One Left to Notice.

In Seth Nicholas Abel on June 25, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Age-of-Conan-Hyborian-Adventures-update-The-Women-of-Hyboria-4_qjpreviewth

Amazon protecting a Hyborian satellite dish.

Today the ailing Age of Conan received a  patch that added several hours of content.

Said  Funcom “We’ve made the game a lot more like WoW so that people aren’t confused and increased item drop rates. We hope that our four remaining players will stick around for another couple of weeks.”

The update has been dubbed: Return to Hyboria, Please!