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Archive for July, 2009|Monthly archive page
While (unsuccessfully) searching for intelligent life on the internet scientists have stumbled on what they believe to be signs of an alien beings known as ‘girls.’
Lead scientist and one time internet dating service user Carl Johnson said “For a long time we’ve been searching for signs of a female presence but until now all our data suggests that any women are actually 40 year old men from Milwaukee. Now that we have irrefutable evidence of the existence of ‘girls’ everything has changed.“
A spokesman for PRIC (Patriarch’s Rational Internet Coalition) has demanded photographic evidence or it didn’t happen (lol).
James Shoemaker, a level 80 Death Knight recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years, World of Warcraft. In his letter to Warcraft he wrote,
We’ve been here before, the boredom and frustration of the endless grind that is our relationship. I know you’ve tried to change, promising that you’ll eventually be happy with who you are and give me what I want.
I know you can never change. Every time I feel like I am getting close to you hurt me by nerfing my ability to experience the content that makes up your darkest nooks and deepest crannies. I know I’ve come back to you so many times, but this time it’s really over. No amount of content will make me content, plus I’ve found someone else named Halo. So don’t come around looking for me, promising 14 more free days. I am better off without you.”
Capcom is considering setting their next resident evil game in Texas. The snippets of plot we’ve heard suggest that the yet unnamed protagonist will hunt down infected Mexicans trying to cross the border.
Here in the office we’re laying odds on Capcom announcing a half-mexican side kick, with a seperate pool on whether or not she’ll be named ‘Maria Sanchez’.
A recent study of media events and related activity has shown that there may be a causal link between violent games where hookers are decapitated and actual hooker decapitations.
“We’ve worked for a long time to prove that people ‘s will do anything they see on TV, in games, or even read in books. Remember that recent incident where two Scottish fellows we’re both claiming to be ‘king’ of a local tavern which ended in a beheading? We think they had been reading Macbeth before their ultimate showdown,” Said Paulie Wurster a top neurosurgeon for the study.
The study seems to suggest that media can influence people to go hooker-chopping, here is a chart of media released in the same year that large amounts of hooker decapitations occurred.
NPD numbers show a relatively unknown game, The Sims 3, is ranking in first place for sales for the month of June.
Said one cave dweller “I can’t believe it, I thought I was the only one who played this game.”
Other major developments this month include people still playing World of Warcraft, and gravity still working.
Some major stuff has happened that has gotten gamers behind EA for the first time since Westwood was dismembered with the EA chainsaw and thrown into the corporate wood chipper. The list of grievances against EA is long, often petty, and completely unwarranted considering that other major publishers do the same thing. Some how they never got the kind of attention that EA did.
The angriest criticisms against EA started with yearly sports games that seemed like the same games with roster changes, horrible DRM, and their crappy PR team who at one point dismissed a petition from some articulate consumers with the statement “We don’t listen to the vocal minority (read: whiners).”
Sales of Rock Band and Guitar Hero have fallen by 49% this year leading industry experts to believe that their fans have finally discovered girls.
“This is worrisome for our industry because we count so heavily on children without social ambition. But we are looking into ways to win these young gamers back.”
Some experts have suggested that this means a “Girlfriend Hero complete with some terrifying new peripherals” may be in the stars for Activision.