It's Nothing Serious

Archive for July, 2009|Monthly archive page

Editors Note

In Uncategorized on July 28, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Thanks for visiting the site, we’re in the process of moving the site, I assure you that we’ll be coming back soon better than ever.

Scientists Shocked to Discover Girl on Internet

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 27, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Typical 'girl' on the internet

Typical 'girl' on the internet

While (unsuccessfully) searching for intelligent life on the internet scientists have stumbled on what they believe to be signs of an alien beings known as ‘girls.’

Lead scientist and one time internet dating service user Carl Johnson said “For a long time we’ve been searching for signs of a female presence but until now all our data suggests that any women are actually 40 year old men from Milwaukee. Now that we have irrefutable evidence of the existence of ‘girls’ everything has changed.

A spokesman for PRIC (Patriarch’s Rational Internet Coalition) has demanded photographic evidence or it didn’t happen (lol).

Man Breaks up With World of Warcraft

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 27, 2009 at 1:28 pm
You'll be back.

You'll be back.

James Shoemaker, a level 80 Death Knight recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years, World of Warcraft. In his letter to Warcraft he wrote,

“Dear Warcraft,

We’ve been here before, the boredom and frustration of the endless grind that is our relationship. I know you’ve tried to change, promising that you’ll eventually be happy with who you are and give me what I want.
I know you can never change. Every time I feel like I am getting close to you hurt me by nerfing my ability to experience the content that makes up your darkest nooks and deepest crannies. I know I’ve come back to you so many times, but this time it’s really over. No amount of content will make me content, plus I’ve found someone else named Halo. So don’t come around looking for me, promising 14 more free days. I am better off without you.”

Asteroids: The Movie: The Webcomic

In Seth Nicholas Abel, Tess LaCoil on July 27, 2009 at 1:27 pm

asteroidsteaserRecently Universal pictures won rights to publish the movie Asteroids. There must be something really sexy about 1980’s kitschy games, TV and movies, because  it seems like movie studios are doing their best to fuck them all.

Click for more.

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Resident Evil Writers Consider “Racier” Sequel

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 24, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Aye carumba!

Aye carumba!

Capcom is considering setting their next resident evil game in Texas. The snippets of plot we’ve heard suggest that the yet unnamed protagonist will hunt down infected Mexicans trying to cross the border.

Here in the office we’re laying odds on Capcom announcing a half-mexican side kick, with a seperate pool on whether or not she’ll be named ‘Maria Sanchez’.

Video: Brutal Legend pt. 2

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 24, 2009 at 3:16 pm

brutal legend logoWe posted the first Tim Shafer commentary on Brutal Legend last week, This is part two of that commentary. These videos shows off one of the first missions, some of the open-world game play and a little of the customization options.

Here’s the four part video. Enjoy!

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Neurosurgeons Blame GTA for Rise in Hooker Decapitations

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 23, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I'd like to get in the car, but I need to know if you have an axe first.

I'd like to get in the car, but I need to know if you have an axe first.

A recent study of media events and related activity has shown that there may be a causal link between violent games where hookers are decapitated and actual hooker decapitations.

“We’ve worked for a long time to prove that people ‘s will do anything they see on TV, in games, or even read in books. Remember that recent incident where two Scottish fellows we’re both claiming to be ‘king’ of a local tavern which ended in a beheading? We think they had been reading Macbeth before their ultimate showdown,” Said Paulie Wurster a top neurosurgeon for the study.

The study seems to suggest that media can influence people to go hooker-chopping, here is a chart of media released in the same year that large amounts of hooker decapitations occurred.

Click for awesome charts.

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World Shocked as Sims 3 Sells Well

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 23, 2009 at 2:43 pm
...ladies?

...ladies?

NPD numbers show a relatively unknown game, The Sims 3, is ranking in first place for sales for the month of June.

Said one cave dweller “I can’t believe it, I thought I was the only one who played this game.”

Other major developments this month include people still playing World of Warcraft, and gravity still working.

OP/ED: EA Less Turdy Than Ever

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 23, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Girls, one of the ways that EA gives back.

Girls, one of the ways that EA gives back.

Some major stuff has happened that has gotten gamers behind EA for the first time since  Westwood was dismembered with the EA chainsaw and thrown into the corporate wood chipper. The list of grievances against EA is long, often petty, and completely unwarranted considering that other major publishers do the same thing. Some how they never got the kind of attention that EA did.

The angriest criticisms against EA started with yearly sports games that seemed like the same games with roster changes, horrible DRM, and their crappy PR team who at one point dismissed a petition from some articulate consumers with the statement “We don’t listen to the vocal minority (read: whiners).”

More words if you click here.

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Guitar Hero/Rock Band sales Plummet as Boys Discover Girls

In Seth Nicholas Abel on July 22, 2009 at 2:10 pm
One of the things in this picture is fake, you decide which one.

One of the things in this picture isn't real. I'll leave it up to you to decide which one.

Sales of Rock Band and Guitar Hero have fallen by 49% this year leading industry experts to believe that their fans have finally discovered girls.

“This is worrisome for our industry because we count so heavily on children without social ambition. But we are looking into ways to win these young gamers back.”

Some experts have suggested that this means  a “Girlfriend Hero complete with some terrifying new peripherals” may be in the stars for Activision.