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Archive for the ‘Tess LaCoil’ Category

Reliable Source: All Your Bus Are Belong To Us

In Tess LaCoil on January 16, 2010 at 1:39 pm

As expected, he moved away instantly when my butt neared his face.”

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Reliable Source: Follow The Buffalo-brick Road

In Tess LaCoil on January 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm

“He told them he was looking for the promised land known as,” he paused dramatically. “Oregon.”
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Asteroids: The Movie: The Webcomic

In Seth Nicholas Abel, Tess LaCoil on July 27, 2009 at 1:27 pm

asteroidsteaserRecently Universal pictures won rights to publish the movie Asteroids. There must be something really sexy about 1980’s kitschy games, TV and movies, because  it seems like movie studios are doing their best to fuck them all.

Click for more.

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Australian Pirates Face Three Strikes

In Tess LaCoil on July 17, 2009 at 1:35 pm
That Guy from EVE.

That Guy from EVE.

Pirates downloading games will face a new threat from the Australian Government. In further defiance of the nation’s convict past the Communications Minister, Stephen Conroy has announced that pirates caught downloading illegal material three times will face the death penalty.

This is a dramatic shift in governmental policy after capital punishment was discontinued in 1967. Some have named it a return to colonial attitudes. Others have said severity of the punishment is excessive, especially for a crime viewed as minor, but Minister Conroy disagrees.

“We have stood by this base, illegal practice far too long. The due season for reform is now, lest helpless corporations continue suffering needlessly,” he told reporters. “Software pirates will be face death by Sydney Funnelweb spiders and half a dozen rabid wallabies released, with the prisoner, into an arena at dawn on the day of their execution. Aside from ridding the nation of these parasites, the executions will serve as anti-piracy ads.”

“It’s so nice to see the Australian Government taking our side in this issue. Our last release only found us with a $160 million profit which was a tragic disappointment to the whole company. I will take great pleasure in seeing these pirates get what they richly deserve,” commented a corporate director at the news.

Kevin Rudd’s Amazing Acrobatic Feat

In Tess LaCoil on July 13, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Its known as a shit-eating smirk.

A smirk that just consumed a kitten.

Today Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd wowed Journalists by presenting his latest change to censorship laws while performing an amazing athletic feat.

Once technicians had taped a microphone to the inside of the PM’s mouth, Rudd removed his trousers and wedged his head up his backside. The stress on his body lead to quite a lot of gossip once he was done with the announcement, stating that video game God Of War III will have to change its level of ‘violent content’ to be sold in Australia.

“It’s nice to have a very open, flexible national leader,” one journalist commented. “Why didn’t Rudd unveil this amazing talent earlier? It could have helped a lot during APEC 2007. I think the game industry should be honoured that he chose this press release to perform such a stunning feat.”

Stylists efforts were not enough to keep Rudd’s hairpiece in place. The aftermath of the feat seemed to have little effect on the PM sparking rumours that he performs it regularly for foreign dignitaries.

The French Put (Game) Women in Their Place

In Tess LaCoil on July 10, 2009 at 1:41 pm
cookingladies

Screw war, bring me dinner, woman!

French game magazine, IG, recently published a cover featuring female game characters in the traditional women’s role of being housewives. Complete with iconic outfits, skimpy or otherwise, and trays of food they are there to please their menfolk and offspring. Happy and fed, what man would want more?

“Zis ees a great step forward. Oui. La Femme’s place is ever in ze keetchen, non? This, these women, zay have been upsetting ze… how do you say? ‘balance of enjoyment’ for too long,” stated one French gamer, rejoicing with his freshly made dinner.

One spokesperson for a women gamer group complined,

“Images of women as food providers and sex objects for men is highly objectionable. We are not submissive toys for the pleasures of the Y chromosome. We will not tolerate this kind of thing!”

We are still unsure quite how the women gamers spokesperson managed to broadcast that message to the world. It was found on Twitter, and after all who has a computer in the kitchen?

Click for full image of women doing what they are told.

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Webpolls Cause “Art” Depression

In Tess LaCoil on July 7, 2009 at 12:52 pm

Recent research shows that there’s a growing trend of depression and low self esteem amongst the low-range webcomic characters and amateur designs. Much of this is said to rise from broad-spectrum internet polling which appears to be swayed by online communities. We found an article which is an artists interpretation of the recent events surrounding the contest.

Click here for art!

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Female Gamers Out Of Closet

In Tess LaCoil on July 2, 2009 at 2:42 pm
They didnt bring cookies, sorry.

They didn't bring cookies, sorry.

Male gamers the world over reeled in shock today as a sudden spike in the number of females playing games was revealed. A recent study shows that 30% of gamers are female, a number expected to rise to 60% in the next week.

Such a sudden influx has gamers and analysts scratching their heads in surprise. Some users have attributed this to huge numbers of women sick of being mistaken for 12-year-olds over voicechat. “I just don’t know where they all came from!” one statistician said. “It’s like all these years I was looking for a girl who wouldn’t laugh at my job and hobby, and she was just there hiding behind a Steam account under the unassuming name of tbaggr713.”

On X-box live thousands of users suddenly come out of the closet as female, leading to many long term players’ surprise.  h4x0rzxx is one girl who was tired of having “get off voicechat you fucking prepubescent n00b” screamed at her whenever she played. Since her reveal two days ago she has encountered a much more positive response.

“lyke omg, im popular now. old hax all wanna play for some reason. they dont even complain when i die!!!!!11”

While this trend of revealing ones identity is theraputic to the people doing it it has caused intense anguish to some long-term users of  services like X-box live. One such user sent us an anonymous letter to us saying “I am so fucking repulsed by this. It’s disgusting. Why can’t these women just be normal like the rest of us gamers?”

Twitter Hops Off The Perch.

In Tess LaCoil on June 29, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Twitter workers on break.

Twitter workers on break.

The once-proud eagle servers of Twitter tumbled from the birdbath earlier today after countless users decided that they would pay their respects to the late Michael Jackson. Connections saw cracks once 66 500 different tweets featured the pop star and it only went up from there.

Technicians were shocked by the speed at which the servers were  plucked, stuffed and roasted when a flood of tweets hit their system.

“Bkarrrrk. Boooooooooarkbukbuk. Chirp twewhooohooobukbuk boreeeee,” said one of the server administrators observing the carnage. The outer shell of the company scrambled to fix the errors while the clutch of executives tried to work out where it had gone wrong.

In a statement from Jeremy Cluckson, a manager at Twitter, we learned that hardware may be the real issue. “I was talking to this chick down in the server room and she said the equipment is too cheep.”

The users of Twitter faced endless frustration as their connections timed out, the hours they’d spent agonising over their latest 140 words of effort wasted.  One Tweeter is reported to have said that “bloody techies must be roosting on the job” after his epigraph of Jackson was lost in the lag.

Rudd Conquer Of Internet Moves on to Sex

In Tess LaCoil on June 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm
The latest victim to Rudds plan.

The latest victim in Rudd's sights.

Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, today announced that after his wild success in banning various internet sites related to violent pornography and free speech he would go on to ban sex all together. The move has been applauded by lobby groups disgusted with the animalistic practices of the nation.

“I’m thrilled to hear that Rudd is taking a strong stance on this immorality,” one commented. “The rampant sexual deviance of the past decades will not be stood for.”

The legislation proposed contains clauses demanding that every individual of either sex wear full-length clothes at all times, even in the relentless Australian summer. Bikinis would be strictly banned as would budgie-smugglers and the iconic Australian thong. Footwear manufacturers were appalled at the move. “Who the fuck does Rudd think he is? The thong is a part of Australian culture, as much as the kangaroo or the warm beer!”

A ruling against sex itself is less easily enforced, so Rudd has proposed to employ his conquered internet to the task by setting up continuous run webcams in every bedroom and secluded spot. All children will be born by artificial insemination and beer adds required to feature nothing more leud than an exposed elbow.